The Rogue Students

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I am Ilaichiman. I hunt down Ilaichis. It’s true, that is what I do. Years ago when I had my first encounter with a live Ilaichi and it exploded in my mouth, the blast sent me reeling. And it was then that I decided: NEVER AGAIN. But before I go into the details of what a live and dormant Ilaichi is, let me cover some basics of food hazards for you rookies.

Pakistani cuisine is full of mysterious and dark elements. I call them “food hazards”. Chewing or swallowing one brings you a ridiculous amount of discomfort, to say the least. Depending on your observation, you may have noticed some of them at one point or another. Depending on your luck, you may encounter more in the future. You may spot a fat Sabat Laal Mirch (red chilli) lurking in the yellow curry of your Kari, submerged and barely visible like the tip of an iceberg. Or you may find it concealed behind a safe looking pakora, hoping to accompany it into your mouth. Well let me enlighten you folks – there is nothing safe when it comes to the traditional foods of the Pakistani culture. There is always more to the dish than meets the eye.

Among the terrors of the Pakistani cuisine, the Kaali Mirch is but a mere firework compared to the big guns like Dar Cheeni, Lawng and the previously mentioned fat Sabat Laal Mirch. The food hazard artillery also includes tooth breakers like Anar Dana (pomegranate seed) and Khushk Aloobukhara (dried plum with pretty much just the seed remaining), not to forget the age old cook favourites like Kari Patta ('leaf of Kari' literally, which IS in fact an actual leaf put in the dish), ginger, and garlic (cut down into bits and slices small enough to evade capture but large enough to deal damage). But even these heavy hitters are eclipsed by the deadly Choti Ilaichi and its massive cousin, the dreadful Bari Ilaichi. These two remain unparalleled in their powers of destruction and rule the domain of food hazards. No other food element induces as much terror as the Bari Ilaichi (black cardamom). With its humongous proportions, its “whiskers” and its ominous appearance, it is a formidable sight to behold, a worthy opponent to encounter. Such is its intimidation on me that every time I see a dormant one (in a bottle), or a live one (in active duty), a nasty chill crawls down my spine despite me being who I am, a veteran Ilaichi hunter – the Ilaichiman.

But the Bari Ilaichi is simply a deterrence measure taken by the ever scheming cooks. It serves to constantly create a panic within the person who sees one. It is pretty much impossible not to notice a Bari Ilaichi and have one explode in your mouth. Even Helen Keller could spot one from miles away. In her sleep. What you rookies must TRULY watch out for is the sly but deadly Choti Ilaichi (green cardamom). While nowhere near as huge as its grotesque cousin, the Choti Ilaichi draws its strength from precisely that – its size. Olive green in colour and close to a raisin in dimensions, this is the most lethal food hazard you can ever encounter, the worst thing that you can possibly endure. You can imagine the significance of the Choti Ilaichi in the realm of food hazards by the fact that a veteran hunter such as I, chose to call himself Ilaichiman and not, for example, Dar Cheeni Man. Constant vigilance is advised, for the Choti Ilaichi is not limited to any specific list of foods. It can make an appearance anywhere, its everywhere!

A fork is the best tool when you want to neutralize the Choti Ilaichi (as well as other food hazards). The recommended method is to rake through your food in a sequential manner, ensuring that you go through the entire plate at least once. This will reveal most of the food hazards like the fat Sabat Laal Mirch, Bari Ilaichi (this nasty should be downright visible in the first place) etc. Neutralize the detected threats by taking them out and doing one of the following, subject to your circumstances:

1.    Burying them
2.    Throwing them away
3.    Putting them in a separate container
4.    Piling them up on the far side of your plate, beyond the enemy lines (this is for pros and veterans only, most rookies will not notice a Choti Ilaichi rolling back into the food from behind the enemy lines in a counter-infiltration operation).

It is quite obvious that the above list is in descending order of safety.

Having neutralized the initial batch, care must be ensured that you don’t slip up. Many a hunter has fallen prey to the deception. They would relax after neutralizing a decoy like Lawng or Dar Cheeni, and would miss the brilliantly camouflaged Choti Ilaichi. This mistake will cost you the taste of the remainder of your lunch or dinner. You have been warned.

When you become sufficiently proficient in the art of hunting, you will enjoy your food like never before. You will not only savour the taste but will also have the pleasure of defusing and destroying the food hazards. That is always a source of inner peace. One of my best streaks was a Bari Ilaichi, followed by a Lawng, Dar Cheeni, another Lawng and finally the jackpot - a brilliantly camouflaged Choti Ilaichi. Because I am Ilaichiman, I hunt down Ilaichis.

Date: August 18, 2013

Time: 11:06 pm

Text conversation with cousin:

Me: "A very successful operation on a Biryani Camp resulted in the capture of a Choti Ilaichi followed by Kali Mirch, Lawng, Khushk Aloobukhara, another Choti Ilaichi and finally a Hari Mirch. The latter was allowed to go free due to small offense and negligible damage potential. All the others were sentenced to death."

Cousin: "In my state rules, Kali Mirch and Hari Mirch are not culprits, rather they are acknowledged. To be a Kari Patta is however a crime."

Me: "Kari Pata hasn't been seen in ages. I may have spotted it in some Kari but I haven't operated much in that territory. By the way I may be getting slightly lenient in my policies regarding Petha. I definitely have granted it amnesty in fruit cakes.."

The End?

Written by: Zain Shah