Something About Lahoris
Posted: Saturday 13 July 2013 by Hellllbender in Labels: actual, harassment, intersections, Lahore, pakistan, pedestrians, real, reckless, society, traffic, weird
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In my dictionary, “Lahori” is a term I use specifically for a certain class of drivers and pedestrians. The term originates from my extensive experiences and observations of the traffic in Lahore but is certainly not limited to the city in particular. I can spot a Lahori on the road in any corner of Pakistan. I can also find decent drivers in Lahore, so the term is not city-restricted. I will now endeavor to shed some light on the characteristics of a “Lahori”.
Lahoris are perpetually ready to die. Either that or they are the only ones within a city who pay their taxes judging by how they seem to act like they own the road. I am not joking. Once on the road, Lahoris behave like they consider it to be their personal property with exclusive rights of usage. It doesn’t matter whether the Lahoris are in a car, riding a bike or on foot, they will never have the slightest regard for their own safety (or yours, for that matter). You see pedestrians crossing the road, for example a whole family including a few adults and a bunch of kids. Your car is a death sentence waiting to be carried out approaching them at 80 km/h, mere seconds away from physical contact. But do the Lahoris care? No sir, they don’t. And if you think honking the horn is going to be of any use, you are sadly mistaken. As far as the Lahoris are concerned, it is your job and not theirs to take care of their safety. When your car gets close enough, you may be shot a contemptuous glance if the Lahoris so desire. Otherwise, they will cross the entire road without glancing even once at the approaching traffic from either side.
The Lahoris on bikes or in cars are no different. Neither will maintain a safe distance when they are behind you. Neither will refrain from cutting sharply in front of you, brilliantly attempting a suicide which can only be thwarted by YOUR timely reflexes and efforts and not theirs. Only a Lahori will have the nerve to come from the wrong direction on a one way road, hog the road like he has every right to be there and might even honk the horn at YOU, just for shits and giggles. And if you don’t possess any past experience of dealing with Lahoris, you may even begin to doubt who’s violating the law, you or the Lahori approaching on a collision course with you.
Lahoris can most notably be observed in their natural habitat i.e. Lahore, where you will notice unbelievably magnificent instances of traffic violations. Every time I visit Lahore, there is a particular intersection which gives me a feeling of playing Russian roulette. The signal can turn from red to green and back to red again without a single car moving from your side of the intersection simply because the traffic from the other side never stopped coming even when their signal turned red! Now you may wonder where the Russian roulette comes in. I’ll tell you where. There’s always the hazard of a stray Lahori crashing into you even when you cross the intersection on a green signal, so that chance always keeps you on your toes and ensures you don’t have a worry-free drive.
Don’t get me wrong. Despite Lahore being a hub of “Lahoris”, as previously mentioned I can spot them in any city. So can you, and I’ll tell you how. For example once I was approaching a traffic signal in G-10. I saw a bike coming towards me from the opposite direction. I was turning right while he was going to go straight and the traffic signal was green for both of us (that’s the default setting of that signal). Naturally this meant that our paths would intersect at some point. Playing it safe, I decided to stop my car and wait so that the incoming bike could pass by me from either my right or left side. The biker decided to smash straight into my car anyway, because he was going too fast to turn the bike (to avoid my car) or to apply the brakes. A typical Lahori for you.
There was one time when I was on the GT road and coming from Nowshera to Islamabad. I spotted a woman standing right in the geometrical center of the road from quite a distance. Assuming that since she was facing me, she would get off the road soon, I simply kept going. But I decided to honk the horn anyway just to be safe. And I’m not exaggerating. I honked the horn for the next at least 5 seconds continuously while I got closer and closer to the woman. Travelling at 100 km/h that’s a honking distance of roughly 417 feet. The woman refused to budge a single inch. Eventually I decided to spare her from a rather unceremonious demise and passed by her from the left. And would you believe she actually slapped my door while I passed by her, in a gesture of ultimate defiance. That was her way of saying “I’m a Lahori and I don’t give a rat’s slimy tail’s worth of care whether you honk at me or not, I’m not going to move”.
My father once got hit from the side by a car while crossing an intersection. Clearly it was the other driver’s fault so my father got out of the car to have a few words with him. The driver’s response was beautiful. “Sorry sir, I didn’t see you. I was looking the other way”. Why? WHY on earth would anyone look the other way while travelling on a straight road? If I was there I would have liked to have said: “My dear man, you’re approaching a car crossing an intersection straight ahead of you, where on EARTH were you looking?!!” But I knew he was a Lahori and that explained it all.