The Rogue Students

Episode 2 - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter

Posted: Sunday 22 October 2017 by Hellllbender in

Some of you will remember these events. Some will be able to relate to them. Some will only be able to enjoy. This is the second episode of the reminiscences of my university life. Each audio episode will be accompanied by a transcription, wherein I will try my best to retain the expression of the original Urdu version, however as is obvious, there is only so much accuracy that a translation can attain.

Permit me to regale you...

"In the early days it was easy to enter the campus, but hard to spend time in the classes. The primary reason for this was the absence of speed breakers from the roads of NUST, and the complete lack of ACs and fans in the classrooms. Later, the university installed ACs, fans and monthly speedbreakers on the roads. In this way with the passage of time, staying in the classes became easier, but entering the campus became a torture. Coming from Gate 10 with a speed of 100 km/h down the slope in those days, now seems like a forlorn memory from times long gone. But the university admin cannot be blamed either. Truth is, despite living miles away, I used to reach the classes before the students residing in the hostels did. Don't get me wrong - I don't mean to imply that I used to arrive on time. I used to be late, and the hostel dwellers used to be a bit more late."

By: Zain Shah

The K Army

Posted: Thursday 14 September 2017 by Hellllbender in

The attack was sudden. The invaders began what the defenders believed was a minor inconvenience, not necessitating any serious action. By the next day, the defenders began to take notice, but even then they underestimated the threat, under false expectations of a speedy recovery. They were in for a rude awakening. At the end of the battle, the invaders remained unbeaten, much to the chagrin of the defenders. The day ended with significant gains by the invaders.

On the third day, the defenders gave it their all. After a hard fought battle where both sides suffered heavy losses and fighting continued all night, the defenders began to lose ground as the invaders gained strength. It was then that reinforcements were called.

Daku Day and Paindu Day in NUST-SEECS

Posted: Sunday 7 May 2017 by Hellllbender in

Celebrating Daku Day? Paindu Day?

Let us call upon logic. Paindu Day. Paindu. The word is derived from the Punjabi word “pind” which means “village”. A paindu is essentially a person who is “from the village” and lacks “culture”. The general usage of the word is in a negative connotation. The average urbanized and educated person uses the label of “paindu” for anyone who they believe lacks class and sophistication. The word is a desi parallel to words such as redneck and hillbilly. Meanwhile daku is the desi term for a dacoit i.e. an armed robber. And this is where the problem begins.

Advise the Wise

Posted: Thursday 2 March 2017 by Hellllbender in

We have all met the “Advisor”. This is the man who has got something to say about anything and everything. No matter what the situation or circumstances, the Advisor, by his very construction, is physically incapable of being able to resist commenting on all and sundry.

Anyone who has ever bought grocery weighing more than a kg has heard the inevitable “Shopper double kara lain” (Please use two plastic bags). That helpful bystander, is the Advisor. You can spot one reminding forgetful bikers on the move, to raise their kickstands. The Advisor is also quite ruthlessly efficient at spotting a rogue “dopatta” trying to escape the confines of the vehicle carrying the lady wearing it, culminating in him giving the traditional call “Aunty dopatta andar kar lain” (Aunty please pull in your dopatta).

The Advisor does not operate in physical situations only. On social media such as Facebook, we all have at least one Advisor in our friends list, who will have a mundane opinion on pretty much any content contributed by anyone. Whether political, religious, or literary, the post WILL always have some sort of insight shared in response to it, thanks to the ever vigilant Advisor.

He never stops.

Although other countries are not completely devoid of his annoying existence, it appears that our land is a natural habitat for the Advisor, providing him with a fertile breeding ground to thrive in peace. This has certainly got as much to do with the prevalent Eastern culture which causes acts of common courtesy to be never seen as invasions of privacy, as the fact that we as a people are generally more interested in the affairs of others, than our own. Especially when it comes to displaced dopattas.

Written by: Zain Shah

Eagles and Idiots

Posted: Thursday 16 February 2017 by Hellllbender in

This is an amazing post…due to the extraordinary high number of lies in it.

The eagle doesn’t live up to 70 years, its lifespan is actually less than HALF of that.

The talons don’t get blunt.

The beak does not get blunt. Who do you think made it, Pakistan?

The feathers do not get heavy or stick to the chest. Birds moult and shed their old feathers regularly in a natural process. Eagles have no need to pluck off their feathers.

Breaking the beak and talons is impossible for any bird to do voluntarily. It’s about as easy as it would be to break our teeth by hitting them on something using only the force of our head, and pulling out our nails using our teeth. Even if magically it was done, it would kill any bird, especially the eagle. The blood loss would kill it the quickest. If not, the infection would kill it soon enough. Wild eagles in general have no access to antibiotics. And finally, the bird would starve to death without the beak to hunt with, unless the blood loss and infection didn’t do the job sooner.

ILAICHIMAN

Posted: Wednesday 13 July 2016 by Hellllbender in

Prologue:

Date: June 1, 2013
Time: 1:53 pm

Text sent to cousin: "A careless Ilaichi spotted and neutralized."

The reply: "I just relished the realization of being related to the great, Ilaichiman."

_____

I am Ilaichiman. I hunt down Ilaichis. It’s true, that is what I do. Years ago when I had my first encounter with a live Ilaichi and it exploded in my mouth, the blast sent me reeling. And it was then that I decided: NEVER AGAIN. But before I go into the details of what a live and dormant Ilaichi is, let me cover some basics of food hazards for you rookies.

Episode 1: A Levels and Beyond

Posted: Friday 13 November 2015 by Hellllbender in Labels: A Levels, nust, pakistan, semester, student, university

Some of you will remember these events. Some will be able to relate to them. Some will only be able to enjoy. This is the pilot episode of the reminiscences of my university life. Each audio episode will be accompanied by a transcription, wherein I will try my best to retain the expression of the original Urdu version, however as is obvious, there is only so much accuracy that a translation can attain.

Permit me to regale you...

"This is about those times when I used to study in university. Or you can say this is about those times when I used to be found in the university from 9 am to 5 pm, 5 days a week. In fact, in the beginning, 6 days a week would be spent in the university because nust had built a new campus in Islamabad, which could not be completed on time. Therefore the university opened with a delay of several months, the penalty for which we paid by attending classes on Saturdays for a long time. Later we came to know that hardly anything got done on time in nust. But back then, nust’s international ranking was 376 and the distance from my house was only a few kilometres, therefore at that juncture of life, I, like any other young student of that age, thanked God for my admission and began to eagerly await the commencement of my engineering degree. Then for the next several years, I eagerly awaited the end of the same, but that’s for another time."

By: Zain Shah

Letter to Rector Nust

Posted: Sunday 8 February 2015 by Hellllbender in Labels: annoying, graduation, Lahore, letter, nust, pakistan, seecs, semester, student, university

If NUST gave as much value to its principles as it does to its principals, it could actually be a half decent university. In an ideal world, that is what would happen. Unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world. The following is one such example from back when I was applying for my degree and transcripts. This email was sent to Rector Nust:

Dear Sir,

The following are some facts:

I completed my degree of Electrical Engineering from SEECS in June 2014. On 25th August 2014, I applied for my degree and transcripts (to be delivered by post). The official time mentioned for the preparation of transcripts is minimum 14 days for normal fee (Rs 500) and 7 days for urgent fee (Rs 1000). I therefore deposited Rs 1000 to have my transcripts prepared on an urgent basis because I had already been successful in securing employment in a major group of companies of the country, pending the submission of my original transcripts. My soon-to-be employers in Lahore asked me how long would it take me to submit my transcripts and I told them 2 weeks. Do you know why I lied? It was because I have had the unpleasant experience of getting the transcripts made for my graduating friends in the past. Never have I seen the NUST authorities honor their word regarding the deadlines in the case of transcripts. Therefore the date I gave my employers was 7 days LATER than what NUST promised me. I was under the impression that perhaps as usual, the delay caused would be merely twice as long as the promised time period. I was mistaken.

The Father, the Uncle and the Niece

Posted: Monday 29 December 2014 by Hellllbender in

Dear Mahrosh,

I write these words before I lay my eyes on you, before I hear you for the first time. All births are special, but some are more special than others. Your arrival marks the first time any male member of our family has been blessed with a child. This makes for quite a lot of interesting changes. Your paternal grandparents, who have had nearly two decades of experience as “nano” and “nana” have been raised onto the pedestals of “dado” and “dada”. Your eldest aunts, who are mothers of sorts for me, who have long standing careers as the cultural favorite “khalas” are now suddenly the culturally disliked “phuppos”. Several gentlemen who had grown tired of becoming “mamoo” for years on end have had a pleasant respite in the form of the hitherto invalid title of “chachoo”. Most significantly, the delight of your great grandmother i.e. your father’s maternal grandmother, knows no bounds since she has long awaited the day when her grandsons would become fathers. And in this way, the blooming of one little flower perfumes the entire garden.

So much for you. And who am I? Well your father and I go back twenty five years, which is as long as I’ve been in this world. His father and my father go back over half a century, which is of course, twice as long as I have been here. It is then no surprise that the majority of the best memories of my life involve times spent with your father, who taught me pretty much everything I didn’t learn from the books. In reverence, I call him “ustaad”. From the time when he convinced me two decades ago that a mile has over a hundred kilometers, to the time when he guided me on the entrance exam of a university, I believed him no questions asked.

Blatant Lie, what?

Posted: Sunday 30 November 2014 by Hellllbender in

http://www.dawn.com/news/1125484

Ohohoho and once again this article pops up in my newsfeed. I have a lot to say about a lot of what is written in it. But for now I'll just stick with the first "lie" viz "The fundamental divide between Hindus and Muslims".

So no such divide existed? Right. It was all flowers and sunshine, Hindus and Muslims were living peacefully within the undivided subcontinent. Theek bhai. Muslims used to celebrate holi and offer sacrifices to Bhagwaan while they recited passages from Rig-Veda. Sahi. Hindus on their end, used to punctually offer ceremonial prayer within mosques 5 times a day. The more pious pandits even offered tahajjud. Hindu butchers would only too happily slaughter cows for their Muslim brothers. The norms of culture and tradition were far far stronger than those of religion indeed. There were simply NO differences between the two communities. Sub theek thaak tha janaab.